Friday Satire: The Architect’s Style Manual


First, this column is conceived specially for men. Because no woman in the right frame of mind will want to look like an architect(ress), thanks to Zaha and Sejima.

And now we begin.

1.Have a Wardrobe of Black Everything.

Buy everything in black. Conscientiously. From dress shirts to t-shirts, pleated pants to skinny jeans, boxers to socks. Why? Because black is always the new black. This is the best way to ensure that you are the epitome of style.

In an all-black outfit, subtlety is key. Layer the different shades of black: ebony, raven, jet etc. Look out for the understated Eton collar, the barrel cuffs, that extra stitch. Discard anything with monograms and labels. They are crass like Paris Hilton.

Can anyone tell the difference? Of course not. But who cares about The-Masses-With-No-Taste? You know that you are different. That’s all that matters. It’s the new trend – carrying that LV bag without the label, when we’ve been doing that for the last 100 years.

When your girlfriend complains that you look like you’ve been wearing the same shirt for the 100th day, educate her. Tell her: “It’s all in the details.”

2. Grow The Goatee

Don’t shave for a week. Grow a forest of wilderness that extends from the chin to the jaw. If it remains barren after one month, swing into emergency mode. Adopt an active approach. Apply Martell X.O. Cognac religiously to the region 3 times daily [1]. Patiently wait for the first sprout.

The Goatee is the antithesis of the subtle, all-black outfit. It differentiates you from The-Masses-With-No-Taste. It makes you stand out in The Crowd. Like the poor, struggling and unshaven artist, it announces your Creativity.

The Goatee changes your face instantly. It oozes primal sex appeal. It exudes Johnny Depp Hotness. A survey found that Singaporean women are much too in awe of The Goatee to embrace it [2]. But no matter. Because you do not want just any girl off the street. You’re looking for that cool chick. The Goatee is your dating tool – it serves to distinguish the hip and the unique.

(And if you do this right, you might just score a Maggie Cheung.)

3. Wear Thick Rimmed Black Specs

If you feel uncomfortable with your newfound Johnny Depp Hotness, put on a pair of black specs. It gives you the Look of Knowledge. You are now the perfect union of sexiness and intellect.

But not just any black specs. They must be thick-rimmed and matt. For you are no stodgy accountant who breaks out in cold sweat. And remember, The Goatee is essential to the thick-rimmed matt black specs. Wear the latter on its own and you risk looking like an army cadet.

And if you worship the Golden Trinity of Style, Knowledge and Creativity in this Manual, you will be met with a life-transforming change.

You will look like become a real Architect.

[1] Method tried and tested by Author. Proven effective in growing eyebrows.
[2] “Only 32% of Singaporean women like the goatee look” in The New Paper, 15 May 2010, p.17.

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